Distil The Vision

Vision is such a handy tool in the corporate wafflers briefcase. Setting out one's vision allows others to become enthused about whatever new crazy scheme is flavour-of-the-day. Distilling that vision shortens the process, so less time is needed for this enthusing. In the world of making nice drinks, "distilling" involves vaporising impurities and collecting the high-alcohol condensed version. The meaning has now evolved to describe any process where something is revealed. Sometimes one has to look past the alcohol to the mountains behind and get enthused about that.

Windows

In the world of work ‘Windows’ can mean many things: Microsoft Windows (or simply Windows) is a metafamily of graphical operating systems running on 90% of workspace computers. The company’s modus operandi is to regularly release new versions and then expect users to load updates or buy new versions to correct all the ‘issues’ (broken bits) built into the previous one. ‘Windows’ is an absolute office-speak favourite, for example: “There's only a small window to manage the optics around the vision”; or “I have a window to discuss external visibility issues, so my door is open.” Then there is the popular office minion joke, “I never look out of the window until after lunch as it gives me something to do in the afternoon”. Executives have little time for such hilarity, as they are usually busy “leveraging strategies for synergies of scalability, pushing the envelope through the window of emergent opportunity”.

Glide Path

This describes the series of steps that lead to a defined business or corporate goal. 'Glide Paths' help staff do things the way they should be done and in the right sequence. They eliminate messy new ideas, initiative or dangerous forays into doing things better. It's also the places an aeroplane needs to be on final approach, so that it lands nicely on the runway, not upside down in a field some miles away. Above we see an example of a glidepath achieved from the back of a mobile office. These offices create a sweet spot, where forward momentum can be sustained and enjoyed.

Hammock Task

 

These are jobs or assignments with very little work or responsibility involved. They are a bit like gardening leave, but without the gardening. If you have been given a hammock task, you'll probably want to see how long you can string it out for. If you do it well you might get a raise or a follow-on easy-life mission to have a stab at. At the end of the day, a hammock is where you want to be. This picture captures staff at the office enjoying some hammock tasks at the end of the day.

The Wheel's Come Off

This phrase is largely banned in forward-thinking, go-ahead, positive-vibe organisations. It reflects a sense of looming or arrived disaster that  can have a detrimental impact on team morale. If your wheel actually does come off, then try not to make a fuss, radiate extreme confidence that the wheel can be put back on. Hopefully no-one will notice and even if they do, your reassuring demeanour  will be infectious.

Traction

This word is used to describe whether anyone is taking any notice of a shiny new idea or concept in the office. 'Traction' can be combined with 'buy-in' for a double word score in Dilbert Scrabble.  Traction means static friction such as the amount of grip a tyre has on a surface. It is best to keep tyres inflated to the recommended pressure and to check for a decent tread depth before heading out. In warm weather, tyres are full of hot air, much like many executives.

Socialise

"Socialise" in Corporate-land means showing people a report you have prepared, ahead of a big meeting. You do this in the hope that by sucking up to them, they will support your recommendations (or at least stay awake until that agenda item). Other sorts of socialising are frankly more sociable. For example having breakfast with your colleagues at the beach.

Finger In The Wind

Putting a finger in the wind is to reach a corporate twaddle decision arbitrarily, with no clear rationale. This is often how business is done, based on a hunch or sometimes just the need to be 'doing something or looking busy'. Weather boffs and sailing types like to know which way the wind is blowing; of course it may not be (see above picture where there is a flat calm). So here the finger raising would be energy wasted and more useful things can be done with the no-longer-raised digit. Bonus tip: Try not to mix your office-speak expressions unless you are an advanced practitioner, e.g. "Don't put your finger in the wind and call it due diligence"!

Gap Analysis

"Gap analysis" is about comparing actual performance with potential performance, or (in layperson's terms), "seeing how woefully we are missing what we are supposed to be doing". If there is a gap, then plan on bridging it tout de suite, certainly before anyone important notices. In the above picture two lots of gaps are in evidence: [1] The country on the horizon is not in The EU, the country in the foreground is. Lots of people have analysed the gap between them and successfully navigated it. [2] The wonky ladders on the shoreline also bridge gaps, making it easier for the people mentioned in [1] when they arrive. A border control gap analysis is underway. 

Speed Boat Change

The full office-twaddle expression is "You can't turn a tanker round with a speed boat change". This basically means that an organisation is so set in it's corporate ways that it won't be budging thank you very much. Speed boats are a great change and can pep up the 9 to 5 BIG TIME: They offer benefits such as all-round office views, fresh (as opposed to recycled) air, plus the ability to go REALLY FAST!

High Flying

The above sign is from outside a French business and "Vol" means flight in French. 'High Flying' means very successful, especially academically or in  business. It is often marked by extravagance, pretension or excessive ambition. So 14% Vol is far less pretentious and to be applauded..... unless you're actually flying: If so, the missing 86% is going to become very important, nay critical. You may not be flying at all. 

Back To The Drawing Board

A phrase used to indicate that an idea, scheme or proposal has been unsuccessful and that it is time to draw up a new one. A drawing board used to be a large flat piece of wood on which paper is spread by architects, artists and designers. Now they just click their mouse around a screen. Hence, a 'drawing board' is so old-fashioned that "going back" to it may indicate it's time to retire or learn a whole set of new, up-to-date phrases to impress people with. The above drawing is done on a board - and that's really where any similarity ends.

Checks And Balances

A phrase meaning 'making sure you're not going off on one'. However, here we see that it's simply about checking that the team can actually balance. An out-of-balance team is not what you want.

Have Your Cake And Eat It

You really can't "have your cake AND eat it" because the practicalities of eating it mean that the cake will no longer be intact. This is primary school science but unfortunately is frequently conveniently forgotten by over-optimistic executives. If you ever hear one of these stripes use the phrase followed by "... so step up to the plate and face the music.."you'll know it's time to resign before someone gets hurt. To fully enjoy your cake, have it, then eat it, Simples.

Walking On Eggshells

This phrase is no yolk, it refers to being careful about what you say or do around certain people because anything could set them off and turn the situation rotten. Actually, walking on eggshells happens when someone has had a boiled egg by the river and the lazy blighter couldn't be bothered to tidy up. 

Let'sTouch Base Offline

Corporate twaddle-speak for arranging a good old gossip away from the prying ears that are currently listening. Usually it's not clear where the 'base' is so such arrangements are often unsuccessful. Meanwhile in the real World... if you start at 'base', protocol normally demands that you climb higher. NEVER do it 'offline' because the line is the safety feature that prevents you falling back snakes and ladders style. 

Ideas Shower

Scientists say that when we are in the shower and relaxed our body produces more dopamine, a neuro-transmitter. This helps us to turn our minds inwards and make insightful connections. So jumping into a hot tub in a hail shower is the absolute best, proven, certified way to really get ahead in the ideas arena. It's best done on work time.

Forward Planning

Is there any other kind of preparedness? "Forward Planning" is an excellent example of using two words when one would be fine. Backwards Planning is only useful if you have a time machine. In the picture we see the tools of a good planning session, one that could go on well into the small hours and achieve top-notch plans: The Scotch and Genepi can be substituted for alternative strong stimulants. The 'forward' part of the planning will involve a spare bottle or two in case supplies run low.

Ducks In A Row

Getting your ducks in a row is corporate twaddle for organising things well. If you've ever tried to line up waterfowl, you'll know that they are rarely obliging in any activities that require neat arrangement of their persons. The reality is that ducks prefer to clump themselves together and have no pre-disposition to linear positioning. They are easily distracted and have very small brains - you'll never get them in any sort of row.

High Altitude View

This approach is considered superior to silo-ed thinking. The rarefied air leads to new ways of using cerebal resources, mostly due to oxygen depletion. The high altitude means you'll need to boil eggs for a lot longer and your Victoria Sponge definitely will droop in the middle. This twaddle phrase is less maneuverable than the helicopter view, you really will need to use paths and possibly crampons, as opposed to the freedom that the crow enjoys when it flies.